June 16th 2009 my husband, Rusty and I will be married one whole year.
Many people have told us how tough marriage can be-No one told me that we would completely lose our minds once we said "I do". My parents have been married 38 years. This past Memorial Day my Mom told me that she could not be paid enough to live the first 10 years of her marriage once again. She said "If you expect to be happy everyday, all the time and agree always that you need to WAKE UP and be real."Overall we are happy and I look forward to spending a life time with my husband. But, like most we have hit a lot of pot holes and detours in our short road together.
Our biggest battle thus far has been buying a home; the money, getting a loan, picking a house - you name it we battled about it. It has been stressful on so many levels. Imagine being a newlywed and buying a home is our first "BIG" decision "TOGETHER". Add to that the stress of being the Realtor for my husband while trying to learn how to be a wife and my Husband is a first time home buyer with new wife that is a relatively new real estate agent. The kicker is both parties our well educated, vocal, opinionated(aka Control Freaks) -Oh by the way, money is generally a touchy subject for us.
Words like "needs a little work", "it's a good buy", "and the drive is not bad" are so subjective. My concept and his concept are so completely different. I took my husband to a home I thought he would love to only get as far as the driveway before he said "why would show me that?" At that point, I started previewing homes in advance. I actually prepared and submitted offers on numerous homes to retract 2 or 3 days later. Listening to and learning from my husband was the key. He was waiting for me to have a "WOW Love It" reaction and would get discouraged if I was less than enthusiastic.
Fights?-Yes Fights! About things we never thought we would ever disagree about, much less have in the first year of marriage.
Then it all hit me when, my Broker in Charge banned me from putting in another offer unless we were both ready and willing to go the distance. I was so wrapped up in emotions as a buyer and a wife that I was unaware I was attempting career suicide. My Broker in Charge said "you need to multi-task and separate being the agent from being the wife". She said to me "look at it from the outside" -"as an agent, would you keep yourself as clients"? "Would you tolerate buyers submitting and withdrawn offers only to withdrawn and continue?" My answer was an immediate NO! I wouldn't stand for the crazy, erratic behavior from buyers that fight every step of the way. I would have cut loose clients like that months ago. What I learned is that, my husband and I needed to separate my job from our emotions and home buying plans as couple.
I started using with phrases like "As your agent this is my thought.... "Or he would ask "As my Wife what do you think...". Once we realized we needed to differentiate things calmed down. Finally, we came up with an idea to individually score the houses. We ranked them individual desires. We didn't talk about our individual scores until the end of the day. If both of us did not score the house high - It was OUT, no questions. When we sat down, looking at the scores and talking about what was really important to us picking a house was simple.
I have learned so much about my husband, my marriage, myself and how to be a more effective agent. I am delighted to end Part 1 of my Newlywed Blog by saying we have went under contract (Yippee!) on our 1st home together.
I will update everyone on the soon in Part 2 on the contract to closing process.
Until then enjoy your marriage
The End
Jennifer Marks
Jennifer, first of all - congratulations! You already survived one year of this multi role playing!
Hi Jennifer, Well, seems like the toughest part is behind you . Good luck to you both !
Wow, I would of fired both of you too. Glad it is working out now.
Oh my, what a challenge! But you will be a much better agent for having this experience.
Is the house pictured at the bottom of this post the one you are buying?
Wow, you did got through some tough times. It is hard enough these days to be a Realtor let alone represent yourself as newlyweds. I have worked with couples who agree on everything and those that disagree on just about everything. I'm sure both are happy, they just have different tastes. I'm glad you found your dream home!
What a great laugh I got out of this anecdote. You will make such a good REALTOR because of these experiences. Hoping you all will live happily ever after.
It is great that you have made it a year. The little markers are significant. My wife and I have been married 31 years and dated for 5 years before that. We did not experience the bad stretch that many talk about. As I tell people all the time who look at our marriage as a relationship to model, the key to a successful marriage is really quite simple...marry someone like my wife!
My wife is the kindest, most sensitive, caring and intelligent person I know. 31 years have flown by! Maybe your husband feels the same way...or maybe you do about him. That is all it will take. Having a partner for life is one of the greatest gifts in this existence.
Houses, cars, jewelry, appliances are all just things. Never allow things to supersede people. Hang in there, give it another 30 years and then let me know how you feel.
Oh, that's NOTHING!! WHen my husband and I bought our first home almost 4 years ago together, we hadn't gotten married yet and let the fights begin!! It took us 7 months to find that house! We were relocated last month, and it took us over 6 months to agree on this house, and then it took 9 months to build. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!
He's an engineer so I was wrong about everything! When we looked that first time, I wouldn't take him to a house anymore unless he had driven by it, looked in the backyard (through the fence), and liked the neighbor's houses. I was so sick of previewing houses as we did (do) not have the same taste at all!
Now, if only I could get him to part with the UGLY master bedroom set that he LOVES and I HATE!
Good luck with everything!
Jennifer,
No doubt you will be a better real-estate agent after all this. Odds are good you will also be a better wife, having learned how to respect your differences yet find common ground. That is an adorable house. Is it THE ONE?
My husband and I will celebrate 18 years in a week! We got re-married -- renewed our vows -- this past winter. It gets better
Hi Jennifer....such a good story. Home buying is certainly stressful. Fortunately, when Eric and I were buying our home.....we chose the 2nd one that we looked at....the very 1st day we went out looking.
We were under contract and closed within 4 weeks. I am a Realtor....what happened to those kind of buyers??? There are some that I have been showing properties to for over a year!
You're new home is adorable.
Good luck to you!
Congrats~Good luck~ and thanks for the post
I'm exhausted after reading your post. However, I think after this your marriage will last a thousand years.
Congrats on your home purchase and your gold star!!!
Congratulations on surviving year 1 and finding a house you both love. I wish you many happy years together in your new home.
I can sympathize with you! My husband and I have been married for two years and just purchased our first home two weeks ago. Our situation was similiar but my husband was very opinionated and everything has to been his idea first. Good Luck with everything
Jennifer, Your Broker gave you some very good advice. I am glad you have a property under contract and are moving forward. Glad things are easier with the marriage too.
Wow Thanks for all the well wishes -- yes the home pictured is the home we are buying!! :)
Jennifer -
1) Happy 1st Anniversary!! YES, you are going to fight....and there are days when you probably won't like each other very much, and I'm guessing you guys hit at least a few of those during your house hunt. Two of the top stressors in anyone's life are buying a house and getting married.....you guys did BOTH in a year....give yourselves a break! You're going to be fine!
2) Obviously you are going to be fine.....look at the choice of home the two of you made together! Beautiful!
Congrats again to both of you....wishing you many blessings on your road together.
Jennifer - Congrats on TWO gold stars in the same week you bought your first house!
All Posters - Jennifer was a great agent before this experience and is become and even better one every day because of this experience. Going through the process as a home buyer or seller always teaches/reminds us to have emphathy for our clients and give us a better understanding of what they are experiencing.
@Joe - You think you are exhausted reading the post... Imagine being her broker in charge:)
Thanks Sheri now everyone knows I am a motor mouth!! There will definitely be more to come -- we haven't closed yet
Wow, I'm certain there will be a happy ending. It's funny, usually I know when we are close when my buyers, to different degrees, start to argue a little(some ALOT). That's when you know they are getting ready to make a decision. I'm pretty sure the next home you buy will be much easier on all, including the buyer's agent.
Ah...wedding bliss...comes and goes, but your love is forever. Congratulations on your first house.
Jennifer,
So cute...what a good lesson to learn.
One thing that you didn't mention between the two of you is passion. (I won't mention the obvious one that most people would talk about)...but passion for the project that you both have at hand and making sure that you are making the right move....
good job!
Jennifer - Happy Anniversary! I find that it's all about picking your battles. Looking forward to reading your follow up posts!
Jennifer--Congrats! May the rest of the escrow go smoothly! You will be a better agent for the experience. Being able to relate to buyers with first hand experience is priceless. And it also helped you formulate a strategy to pass on when buyers are obviously having trouble getting on the same page. Good luck and much happiness to you both.
Great account of your experiences, Jennifer. I appreciate you sharing it. My wife and I have been married a little longer (7 1/2 years), but we go through same stuff when looking at houses.
Congrats on getting the job done in the end, on both parts :)
It's true... you really do learn a lot from mixing real estate and family. I bought our first house while my husband and I were simultaneously doing an international relocation back to the US. He only saw pictures. Whenever something goes wrong, it's the house I picked out. I can't wait for the day we get to pick out our next house TOGETHER so that we can both bear equal responsibility for the decision. I've often thought about whether or not I could handle playing the wife and playing the realtor when the time comes.
Congrats on a job well done. It sounds like it's been painful but a very enriching and valuable learning experience.
Oh my -- you must be so stressed with all this -- hope you end up with a home that you both can enjoy.
Jennifer !
A successful marriage is such an ongoing journey !
There's no "OK now I can just kick back and coast along" ... BUT after that first year, you will start to learn more and more about how each of you handle different situations - like buying a home :o)
All the very best, and keep us posted on the transaction :o)
Cheers !
Sheldon
My wife and I are getting ready to buy. Lending is tough as we only have my self employeed income (and last year was bad). Good advise about the issue.
Hi Jennifer, Newlywed and Newbie! Wow. Now that is quite a combination. Using the old Ben Franklin comparison to make decisions would surely help:~) Do you both have a trusted real estate mentor who could walk you through the contract & to a successful conclusion? Good luck to you!
One of the things I've learned in 27 years of marriage is to let the person who feels the most strongly about any particular issue have their way if at all possible. often times, the other one just doesn't care enough to make a fight over. My husband and I have both learned not to be the BOSS, but to listen to one another and concede when we can do so. You're right on when you say you are learning to be husband and wife. It's a steep learning curve for some of us, but you'll be rewarded for all your continued work.
Jennifer, The house looks great! Thanks for sharing your experience.
Jennifer,
It has been almost 25 years since I got married. I married a school teacher. There were times that I felt like the student taking instruction and orders. We learned to compromise, and put winning an argument to where both find a solution. It has been great since then.
Jerry Gray CRB,CRS /Prudential Carolinas Realty in Winston Salem,NC
What a cute house. You've learned an invaluable lesson. When you're dealing with multiple buyers or sellers, it will be important for you to understand the emotions your clients are going through, as well as who plays what role in the decision making process. You can't buy that kind of experience!
Wow, very intersting regarding the dynamic. Always interesting how things change when the roles are reversed. Kind of like the saying how doctors are the worst patients. It probably makes you a better real estate agent knowing how the emotional side of buying or selling comes into play.
My husband and I have different tastes as well. We just shopped for a new livingroom couch--for over a year! But we both love the one we chose. It takes longer when your preferences differ, but as long as there is a sliver of common ground you can both be happy with your choices if you make the time and effort to find that overlap. Congratulations on your one year anniversary! My husband and I celebrate 29 years (and one dynamite couch) in July.
Great post! Marriages make for strange RE bedfellows:
Once had a deal flip flop when husband needed to be removed from the loan. She was creditworthy but he wasn't. His ego was so bruised he refused to proceed, and she was stuck between rock/hard place.
Another deal, the wife informed the husband she was divorcing him--at close. She wanted half the land they were buying. He said he'd rather die than give her half of anything--and bailed. :)
My husband could not care less about real estate. He signs what I tell him to. Then, as 'payback', he makes me buy him a guitar. He has a lot of guitars . . . :)
Congratulations on your anniversary. We've been married 18 yrs and have disagreed on many things over that time. But thankfully at this time in our lives, kids, and our family have become much more important to both of us than the house.
Great blog.
I remember one of the many houses we have owned. We were renovating the house we oocupied and were staying at a hotel for the weekend-wet floors. An agent called us (I was not an agent then) so we saw it on the way to the hotel. My husband walked out and said "I wouldn't by that over my dead body". We went to the hotel, talked about it. I told him to imagine neutral walls, not the hideaous green wall paper.
We called the agent up and bought the house the next morning.
My wife and I also just bought a home that is to be built - with all the choices that come with that compromise was the name of the game. Also a lot of patience - not only dealing with each others wish lists and "must haves" and keeping within a budget, but also doing it all with 2 rambunctious toddlers in tow who were not having fun looking at homes or going to meetings! Yikes, I am glad that is over with. Now, let the building begin!
Give and take - that is what marriage and buying a house is all about. Having been married 30 years and buying 5 houses I know that which I speak about! Congrats on your anniversary!
Jennifer - best wishes in your new home, and congratulations are in order. You definitely learn about each other when purchasing a home.
My daddy always used to say, with a smile,"Your mom and me don't believe in divorce. We just believe in a fight to the finish."
They never fought, you understand -- proving that a good humor/attitude is key to a long marriage.
But then again, they never bought a house together either. (She moved to his family farm.)
Sometimes you have to be part marriage counselor in this business -- urging people to not believe in divorce -- just a fight to the closing table.
Yup, they say that finances are the first RUIN to a marriage (not even an extra-marital affair gets top billing on the break-ups, disagreements, plates smashed against the walls!)
And you married during the melt-down of the entire world as we know it!
Toss in a few kids . . . ahhh . . . married life!!
I have worked with both extremes! In one case, the husband came to town without his wife of 40+ years and actually bought a home that his wife never saw until settlement day! I told him I looked forward to meeting his wife and they have become friends. In another case I am in the middle of right now, this couple is having a very difficult time deciding which home to buy. They have been married for at least 10-15 years I believe, they are both professionals and very pleasant to spend time with. We have even written up an offer on the one that the wife prefers, (not submitted yet) but still there is hesitation. I'm stumped! Because they have gone back home and we can't sit down together, I'm alternating between phone discussions and then giving them space.
Good story Jennifer - Congrats on the home purchase!!
Best, Dan
Jennifer...
I really enjoyed this post. It's very difficult to step outside of ourselves for our own good. That whole control thing can be a challenge. Glad to see you got the hang of it. If you can't put up with you, why would anyone else want to? I say that with love...Baby...Nothing but love :)
TLW...ROAR!
To bad your husband is not military like mines. I wait until he goes on deployment and boom we are in escrow, works everytime...............
This is the DUMBEST blog I have ever read! I quit AR! They chose a dumb post like this? Look at this crap! Deandra, pretty woman, bad english! mines is not a word! Just proves anyone can pass a Real Estate test. We will google your name and forever this bad english will appear. Real smart move. Most of the time I'm on Broker Bryant, but hey I have found a new dumb dumb in this post.
Well, look at the Einstein above me here! They say that attorneys are their own worst clients, guess it's the same with realtors.
Jennifer...
Come on back in here and delete the Einstein. You do not have to tolerate personal attacks on YOUR blog.
Oh, and just so you know we know who the Einstein is. Those IP addresses are useful little suckers :)
TLW...ROAR!
LOL. Great story. Should of told your husband to get a new agent ;)
Hi! Jennifer,
I am glad your story has a happy ending! However, your story, along with many of the comments, make me sing for joy that I am free to decide these things all by myself:-)
Aw, Dana, but then you miss out on all the fun (and growth!) that having a life partner brings! :)